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Gratitude and Grief

01 June 2015

Today was a rough day.
My first day back at work.
My mantra was to focus on the many things that fill my heart with gratitude...

...My sweet, healthy, easygoing baby. supportive, loving husband who's been able to participate so much during my maternity leave.
...the precious 11 weeks I got to spend with my daughter without stressing about work or finances.
...the wonderful, sweet, caring person we found to watch Faye.
...a career I enjoy, filled with colleagues and customers that sent us so much love during this time.

And yet, there was also sadness.
Sadness that someone else was taking care of my Peanut.
Disappointment that I have to pump breastmilk when that time is usually reserved for sweet bonding.
A persistent, nagging feeling that something just isn't right.
That's there a tiny human out there dependent on me for survival, and I'm not there to love her, protect her, feed her, or teach her.

The first photo Katie texted me brought a tear to my eye.
Then I kept it together the rest of the day, just focusing on the task at hand.

When the work day finally ended and I got home with my babe,
she nursed,
while I cried.
I stroked her head, telling her how much I loved her.
How much I missed her.

When she finished nursing, she told me all about her day.
With her coos and smiles, she assured me that everything would be okay.

First day photos sent from her loving care provider, Katie

Playing with Katie's 18-month old daughter

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